TYPES OF GIRLS YOU'LL MEET IN A CLUB

It doesn't matter the club, Tribeka, Picolina or that backstreet club of your choice. Girls are everywhere. It is very certain that you will meet any type of these girls when you and your boys go out for a drink.

1. The Prostitute

The twilight girls will feature in almost all the clubs without fail. There are the high class socialite wannabe types and the crude call girls who won't hesitate to beat you up should you fail to settle her dues. They can be spotted from their trashy dressing or their wired make-up. What's more, she will still look sober even after drowning a mzinga of legend.

Verdict: Be very careful with these girls. Use a Condom when having sex with them. DO NOT DOUBLE CROSS THEM!

2. The village girl

She is the type that will stand out for the odd reasons. If not her inability to walk in heels, it will be her insistence to take soda in a club. And mind you, soda costs 50 bob, 20 bob more that what is charged in shops. She will also mismatch colors and exhibit dance moves that she had seen her uncles do in a disco matanga back at home She will also refuse to grind you because she doesn't know how to.

Verdict: If you want an easy lay, they are the best but you will struggle to convince her.

3. The lesbian

This one hates men. She will definitely be very beautiful, has nice sumptuous legs and lips to die for. She will hang around her crew, mostly lesbians like her to ward off any attentions from boys or men. They are mostly loaded and they have back-up in the name of some tom boy who has no qualms smashing beer bottles on heads of boys who refuse to back down.

Verdict: Stay away from her if you are not a girl or a lesbian.

4.The married one

This one wants to have an adventure. If she has no company then she will find one by herself. Most are loaded and they often take the first initiative to flirt with men they like. However, you have to be careful if you are a famous guy in town. It could be a honey trap.

Verdict: If you want to have fun with her, do it at your own risk.

END GAME IN SIGHT

It has been a quiet three weeks since I last posted something about my on goings here in the green city of Kericho. Well, I have been trying to fix my documents in preparations of job hunting. I am planning to leave this job in search for new challenges.
As expected, the revolving doors of government bureaucracy has been frustrating me. You can't even get some decent service from this mongrel they call huduma. But that is besides the main point here today.
I am also planning to leave Doris once and for all. Miriam too is not spared from this plan. Here's why.

She planned to dump me

Doris is on the brink of starting her final phase of revision for the KCSE 2018 exams. I need to keep myself far away from her for her to focus on the papers. We haven't been meeting as frequently as possible but it is understandable. I can always find new partners for just illicit sex and nothing else. Miriam had also disclosed to me some of her best-kept secrets. One of them was that she had been planning all along to dump me as she had been seeing the son of a local MCA who was back from the USA.

"Rasta, this girl only loves your game. Otherwise there's nothing that you two share in common. She wants the best things which your salary wouldn't be able to provide. This is also why I need to get a new job.
Miriam had told me while under the influence of a cheap 250 ml bottle of legend that she had sneaked into my room last week. You know the saying that only a drunk will tell you the truth. She told me everything and yet we still had the best fuck I have ever had in my whole short life.

'Osama' passed on

Also, Osama, one of Jay's step-brothers had passed on. He had contracted a strange disorder that paralyses the muscles. They call it GBS-Guille and Barre Syndrome. This week on Monday, we had laid him to rest.
Jay had never been the same. Business has not been that good and there are rumors that he plans to relocate the shop to Bomet. You get the drift as to why I need to get a new job?
Lucky for me, I will fall back to my training as a journalist and continue to pen blog posts and take pictures for a living. 
It feels great to be back here once more.

POSSIBLE JOBS FOR UHURU POST 2022

The President is currently serving his last term and he is pretty much focused into getting things done. The big four is also taking much of his time but also, there is the niggling matter of post 2022 that is not seen by many of his allies and foes alike. 
He will be retiring at the relatively young age of 62. Pretty young when you consider his predecessors. So what will he do or might possibly do?

1. Prime Minister of Kenya?

At the moment, this is impossible but sometimes, the impossible becomes possible. All that is needed is for the President to make a secure phone call to Duale and Murkomen and make the constitutional amendment a reality. Jubilee has the numbers in both houses and the recent handshake between him and Raila has given him the needed political insurance to get extra votes should his deputy balk out of such agreements.

As the PM, he would control the executive and make the Presidency worthless for his deputy and anyone else. 

2. Chairman of the AU

Again, this one could be a reality. Uhuru is the most followed person on Twitter and other social media platforms in Africa and his shuttle diplomacy during the dark days of the ICC has seen him secure allies in the AU. With his contacts across the continent, he could marshall enough votes to clinch the seat.

However, this may be tricky as the case of Amb. Amina Mohamed has shown as. Navigating the Anglophone-Francophone axis won't be easy as say dealing with 47 counties.

3. Secretary General of UN

Should the current occupant, Antonio Guitterres leave the post in 2022, the son of Jomo could be among the contenders for this post. After all, he is smart, suave and charismatic. His handshake with Raila has given him the legitimacy and breathing space that he craved badly after the protracted 2017 polls. He has also been hailed by world leaders as a result of this. But the ICC ruckus could be a major obstacle to his rise. The imperialists may use this against the humble son of Jomo.

4. Statesman and Businessman

The most obvious one is to retire to his Ichaweri home and comment on the State of the Nation as a respected statesman. Since he is a billionaire due to the family investments, he might go back to the business and nurture it to even greater heights. He will also be entitled to a state pension, VIP security among other benefits accorded to former state officials.

It will be interesting to know how 2022 will pan out for the President once his term ends.

 

WHY DATING A MILLENNIAL CHICK IS HARD

Anyone born between 1990 to 2000 qualifies to be called a millennial. This is according to some dictionary including Oxford. Some studies have given some interesting characteristics about them and one of them is being obsessed with technology.  Dating them is also a complete waste of time. If you have ever done that and are still holding on to one, this article is not for you.
Here's why you should keep it short and sweet when dating a millennial chick.

1. They are not loyal

This is profoundly true. One moment they are all sweet and loving and the next minute, they are so like gone! You should see on how they quickly switch brands when a new one enters the market. If you try to be loyal to them, you will be disappointed my brother. They will only stay loyal if you got lots of cash, you're pretty good in bed or you're a popular guy, say a star.

2. They are addicted to their phones

Phubbing is the word here. They will be logged on continously in their various social media apps, surfing the internet to read on stuff you'll probably not like. They are also good consumers of blogs, including this one.  So if you plan to date one, don't count on having some good quality time together. If sex, go straight to the darn thing and skip the talking because they probably won't pay much attention to you.

3. They have 'trashy' styles

Looking at their skimpy dresses and revealing tops, I couldn't be more correct. Look at the hashtag, ifikie wazazi that trended back in April, Millennial teens were caught up in lewd positions and simulating sex styles in the name of creative photo shoots. If you plan to date one, you must be ready to see this. Better yet, don't try to oppose it.

4. They hate admitting responsibility

Like in 3 above, they will hate it if one tells them that they are wrong. They won't listen to you either. That's why they are all over the place burning schools, engaging in rampant fornication and in drug abuse. If you are dating one, then get ready because she won't admit her faults. She will manipulate you to admit it and apologise.

5. They are rabid feminists

This is what you get when these chicks grew up listening to Beyonce and her formation bullshit. Teachers have been drumming inside her head that she is better than the boys and that no one should dictate to her how she can lead her life. Date her, then she will have these lesbian girls night out where they will get drunk and finger each other till morning. Try to raise concern, she'll be all over you like some nazi freak.

Bottom line, fellas should hit, hit and hit her punani hard till she runs like hell from you. Like Sauti Sol, Keep them short and sweet.

SIGNS OF THE END OF TIMES?

It's been an uneventful four days or so where I was attending two weddings and a funeral close to home. In all of the events, I was away from my dear friends and colleagues who were also tied up in their life demands. This brief sojourn in the village also helped me to take stock of what that has been going right or wrong .

1. Will she get tired of me?

I'm talking about Doris. We have been having our thing going on for quite some time and she doesn't seem like slowing it down no matter what. Even the KCSE that would start in two months time isn't bothering her any way. But like the wise men once said, there is no good thing that doesn't have an end. Gradually, I see a situation where someone better than me will replace me in her life. I still don't know when or how it will happen. But it will happen.

2. Will Miriam spill the beans?

You can remember the little crime that I did with her when she came visiting me in my room. This month alone, we have had to be more discreet than ever since Doris is now around and could pop in when you least expect it. Illicit sex is one sweet thing, but it could turn nasty when you get caught. After seeing the marks of her fury on Susan last month, Miriam has been very wary of letting her friend get to know about our little arrangement.

What if she did?

3. Will I get fired?

Jay has been extremely focused in his job in spite f the numerous hurdles that he has had to cross. If not Sylvia threatening to burn down his business to the countless child support disputes in Kericho, I must admit that I have grudging respect for this fellow. The same cannot be said of me ever since Doris came into my erstwhile boring life. I have had Felix to cover for me some times just for me to have a rendezvous with her. This month I haven't gone out as often as I did during June/July period. But I have to be careful not as to lose my job.

HERE'S HOW TO AVOID GETTING CAUGHT UP IN A 'MSAKO'

Thanks to some brainless people in Kericho County who saw it wise to kill innocent people, the police are at it again. Raids commonly known as msako have become the norm and men and women are getting caught anyhow and it won't be ending anytime soon.
Luckily for me, I have been able to beat this msako by using time tested and unique methods. As a result, I have been able to sneak about in town with my lovely bae Doris and even Miriam. Without much a do, here are the three ways to beat a msako wherever you are.

1. Carry your Identification Always.

This is the universal knowledge. It is common sense to ever carry your ID since M-PESA transactions make it a must for you to produce an original ID for you to get some service. You may ran out of cash too. At Jay's stall, this is a must although for guys like Tom, he gets served anyway. In a msako, those afandes will not want to hear monkey excuses if you don't produce it. You may be a guest of the state in such cases. 

2. Speak politely to the cops

Felix learned this the hard way when he spoke rudely to the two patrolling cops just yesterday. When you are stopped, do comply with the order. This is also important when they ask you questions. Answer politely and with courtesy, even when they are seemingly intrusive. Remember you are not Boniface Mwangi or Okiyah Omtatah, speaking trash to the cops when drunk or not will not only earn you a night in the cell, but a serious beating too.

3. Don't Run

Should you see cops approaching you, don't run. Cheza chini. Relax. If you make as if you want to run away, they will get spooked and they will pursue you. Cops are not stupid although the recruitment still wants candidates with a D+ or is it a C-. They can sense if you are up to no good and you don't want them to use those lethal sub-machine guns on you, wouldn't you?

4. Thou Shall not bribe 

This is where I will get flak. Although kitu kidogo is a common thing like the flu, don't do it on the first meeting with the cops.  I have said it already that cops are not dumb folks. Especially now when the DPP and EACC are very active chasing the corrupt and crooks, the men and women in uniform are wary of being lured into traps. If they ask, then give. If not, then don't give.

5. Get Home on time

If you don't have an ID, money to bribe the cops and you cannot hold your trash talking tongue when drunk or not and still prone to running, then kindly stay at home. Better still, reach home on time or your hostel. It will save you the embarrassment and beating. You will also get time to watch 10 over 10 and other soaps on TV if not getting some sleep. Remember the saying that home is best?

REMEMBERING AUGUST 7th TERROR VICTIMS.(PICS)

It was approximately 10 or so when a truck laden with 900 kilograms of TNT plus other explosives packed in 400-500 cans was detonated at the back of the US Embassy building in Nairobi and another one in Tanzania four minutes later. The sights that followed were reminiscent of an apocalyptic period that will forever haunt the minds of the survivors.

Families are struggling to move on especially those whose lives were completely changed by this blast. Compensation has not yet been forthcoming as the monies would have to come from the frozen assets of Al Qaeda and its associates. This is yet to be conducted as dealing with shadowy organizations like Al Qaeda which have no known physical addresses/assets is quite tricky.

Today I will dedicate this to those millennials who have had no idea about the devastation that visited Nairobi on this day 20 years back.  218 Kenyans were killed as well as 12 Americans and 5,000 more were injured.

 Check them out.

The aerial view of the devastation

When the bomb was detonated.

Kenyans miling around the scene of horror

Co-operative bank was among the most affected buildings

LOCKDOWN BEGINS AFTER SECURITY SCARE

It was very premature of me to praise the Interior CS in my previous post in the light of the fact that there will be no holiday tuition. In the past two weeks and 48 hours alone, there has been grisly murders in the county especially in Bureti Sub-county. First it involved the murder of a famous teacher and his wife in their own house. Mr and Mrs Langat were found dead inside their own house and investigations were launched into the matter.
"Rasta, Huku ni kubaya."
"Kabisa. Msako umeanza hata hapa."

We followed the action

Just yesterday, Felix nearly got arrested after he got late from his drinking sprees. Luckily, he always carried his ID an the patrolling officers allowed him to leave. They also warned him that he would be the guest of the state if he was found out again in the dead of the night.

The murdered couple were buried just last week. Three days later, a form one student was also found murdered inside his small room in the same area where the elderly couple were murdered. Though the protests happened in Litein, we followed the action via those who sent short videos through Whatsapp and Facebook. 

"Umeskia curfew imeanza?"
"Hapana."
"Matiangi gave the order. Kwani haukucheki news na vile wewe you always watch news."

Fear had forced them

I didn't watch the news since I was busy with Doris. But now I am afraid that we would not be meeting as usual after this directive. Her father is also paranoid than ever. He wouldn't have to worry about randy mafisis eyeing his daughter but potential serial killers too.
"This is bad."
"Yeah."
Tom came in and served us the usual. The topic thereafter revolved around the curfew and what would change in our lives. One thing was clear, things would never be the same again. While Tom and Felix were applauding the move, I was secretly fuming at the implications.
One is that Doris or Miriam will never sneak out again. Even if they were forbidden by their parents, fear had forced them to abide by this after the murders.  

LONG HONEYMOON AHEAD.

God bless Matiangi. He's a genius for all of his policies.
Doris and Miriam arrived on Thursday after their successful prayer day rally in which I managed to sneak in. They passed by the stall to say hello and left before Jay came back. I forgot to mention that he had banned school children from his business premises as long as they still had uniform on.
No one wanted to break this rule and lose their job. Certainly not me, Felix or Tom the food vendor.

Shocked by the statement

"Rasta those girls are hot."
"Yeah. Unataka hook up?"
Felix hesitated for a while. I was also not sure if if he was sober or just jesting around with me.
"Labda kwa Doris."
"Hell no nigga.That's my girl."
We all laughed. I was also shocked by my statement yet I had vowed never to reveal to no soul about my status with Doris Chebet Maritim. This didn't bother me at all as I had banked on the not-so-sober state of Felix to forget it once the hangover set in.

Banned Holiday Tuition and its forms.

I am happy now because we will be meeting more often than not. Our nights shall no longer be colder but warmer. I will also have a helping hand with respect to my laundry and dishes as well as the cleanliness of the room. Miriam and Doris will have to form a tag-team in order for this to happen.
All this is possible after the now minister for internal affairs had banned holiday tuition and its many forms. 
I will not have to worry about Susan as her marriage to Maxwell is soon becoming a reality. As we speak, plans are underway to have a traditional wedding ceremony due to the reluctance on Susan to publicise the whole thing. I guess this is the stigma that accompanies those who had attempted suicide before.

Goodbye to Tom and Felix

Sam is also busy, as usual now that his affairs have been put in order. Emma is expecting but she is still busy doing her job like before. I miss her too. She looks beautiful in her new state.

"Rasta, tuchekiane kesho."
I bid my two friends, Tom and Felix good bye as we close down the stall. I have to reach home before the rains start.